I have thoughts – personal thoughts. Thoughts that I was just going to share with my BFFs, or even just keep to myself. But then I was thinking – I CANNOT be the only person thinking these things. And even if I am, I’m sure I’ll make you laugh AT me at least once (hint: second last paragraph). Here we go, vulnerability and stuff.

Mushy alert 🚨: I have so much love to give. SO MUCH LOVE! And all I want to do is give it. To everyone that I love; I want to hug them and give them presents and hang out with them and tell them how great they are. If you’re loved by me you certainly know it because I definitely communicate too much – but hey, I’ll never apologize for being me.✌🏻It just means I care. Then there’s that other sort of love where you share a huge bear hug with a special someone in the middle of the kitchen and you hold it for an extra long time, but it doesn’t feel extra long, it feels just right. That kind of love is really hard to come by, but at some point it’s what we all long for, isn’t it?

Though my life so far has been really great, I’ve also experienced many hardships. I didn’t realize the negative impact some of them have had on me until I looked back and realized they’re still with me. Enter: me struggling to let people in. There are walls upon walls upon obstacle courses standing in the way, and who the fuck wants to break down all these walls and THEN go through a goddamn obstacle course to get to someone they may or may not want to love.

And I’m dang sure that these walls come across as me seeming NOT interested when in actuality, I have a huge crush and it’s 100% what I want to explore, I’m just terrified. Sometimes [read: All the time] being terrified in these situations morphs itself into some pretty intense anxiety and then I avoid & leave these situations at all costs because that feeling sucks more than words can express.

This one time I puked on a date. I puked on a date and then ASKED HIM WHERE HE PARKED because I needed to get the fuck out of there. So my track record doesn’t rock, and yes, anxiety is no joke and will SERIOUSLY create some potentially hilarious, potentially mortifying stories to tell.

Well, as the universe will have it, I am the worst dater I’ve ever met. The first problem, is that I am my own worst enemy when it comes to reading people’s feelings about me. This is true for the beginning of any relationship, not just romantic ones. If we aren’t already BFF, poop-talk level friends, I’m definitely uncertain of your feelings toward me.

This translates into the next thought about how I CANNOT READ MEN! Fucking hell. If I have a crush on someone and they communicate with me… this is my brain: Is he just being nice? He’s a nice person so he must just be communicating with me because he’s nice. Oh god I’m such a talker, am I coming on too strong? Do people ACTUALLY wait to reply? That seems dumb, life is busy. Is HE trying to hold back to not seem eager? Or does he legit just not care? JUST BE YOURSELF AND STOP WORRYING! Lol you’re funny, worrying is what I’m best at. He DEFINITELY thinks I’m annoying, and DEFINITELY doesn’t have a crush on me.

I really do love who I am, but being vulnerable is hard (honestly I can’t believe I’m letting you read this at all). Accepting that someone might actually find whatever is “annoying” to be endearing is more than possible.

So if you have this kind of too-long-but-just-right-bear-hug love – you are SO lucky. I hope you cherish it and never take it for granted. And if you’re longing for it, know that you deserve it and all the kind words and actions directed toward you. When it comes down to it, as humans, all we want is to survive, to love and to be loved.

And there’s something so beautiful about the simplicity of it. So while I share these [horrifyingly embarrassing] thoughts to you, it’s a small step in the direction of letting people in. And a small step toward cutting the taboos society has engrained in me, and hopefully inspiring you to share your love, share your feelings, hug your person a little longer, or be confident that you’re SO deserving of love and YES, I am ALWAYS down for a hug.